A concept I continuously have extreme difficultly putting into action. Mainly because I truly do not have an agenda. So I cannot wrap my brain around people who are so malevolent with so little regard for how their actions impact others. I have my selfish self centered moments too where I get temporary blinders on keeping me from seeing anything around me. Luckily I am very self aware and these moments pass very quickly and reason returns. I am extremely self aware.
But dear lord, I cannot understand how anyone, can volunteer a location and photo services for a shoot, allow a model to drive 2 hours and 40 minutes, when their live in girl friend does not even know they are a photographer. If that was not bad enough, they waited until I got there to disclose that last bit of information. I should of packed up and left right then. Chalked it up and counted my losses. The reality is if he is willing to lie to his girlfriend of 5 years who lives with, why is he going to be honest with me? Exactly. He had just meet me, I meant absolutely nothing to him.
What is it about our egos that leads one to believe that maybe it will be different with me? I am beyond dumbfounded and angry. Not only did he insist on putting me in the most screwed up situation. He blamed me for his chick finding a cigarette butt in the drive way. Which was an unconscious mistake. I wasn’t even thinking and decides to hold my content hostage. I started vibrating from the rage I felt the next day when he told me he was not coming by to give me my content.
I am now going to have to get a lawyer involved over his pathetic antics. Then after this catastrophe and set back my supposed friend decides to make matters worse by constantly reminding me how I do not have my shit togeher because of it. I snap. I had it with people shitting on me and switching up. You cannot tell me something is not my fault and then because you feel like being vindictive because I won’t agree with you. All I kept asking was for them to leave it alone, but they kept needling and prying. I honestly felt like a nuclear bomb about to explode.
It makes me sad, because I want to trust people and let people in. I hate having to be so guarded. but every time I let people know certain things, it gets used against me when they feel like twisting the knife. I honestly just want to crawl under the nearest rock and hide. I do not want to come out. I am just done and at my wits end. I am utterly beyond dumbfounded.
The words beyond dumbfounded do not even begin to scratch the surface defining the emotions I felt after the experience I had last week.