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Trust no one…

A concept I continuously have extreme difficultly putting into action.  Mainly because I truly do not have an agenda.  So I cannot wrap my brain around people who are so malevolent with so little regard for how their actions impact others.  I have my selfish self centered moments too where I get temporary blinders on keeping me from seeing anything around me.  Luckily I am very self aware and these moments pass very quickly and reason returns.  I am extremely self aware.

But dear lord, I cannot understand how anyone, can volunteer a location and photo services for a shoot, allow a model to drive 2 hours and 40 minutes, when their live in girl friend does not even know they are a photographer. If that was not bad enough, they waited until I got there to disclose that last bit of information.  I should of packed up and left right then.  Chalked it up and counted my losses.  The reality is if he is willing to lie to his girlfriend of 5 years who lives with, why is he going to be honest with me? Exactly.  He had just meet me, I meant absolutely nothing to him.

What is it about our egos that leads one to believe that maybe it will be different with me?  I am beyond dumbfounded and angry.  Not only did he insist on putting me in the most screwed up situation.  He blamed me for his chick finding a cigarette butt in the drive way.  Which was an unconscious mistake. I wasn’t even thinking and decides to hold my content hostage.  I started vibrating from the rage I felt the next day when he told me he was not coming by to give me my content.

I am now going to have to get a lawyer involved over his pathetic antics.  Then after this catastrophe and set back my supposed friend decides to make matters worse by constantly reminding me how I do not have my shit togeher because of it.  I snap.  I had it with people shitting on me and switching up.  You cannot tell me something is not my fault and then because you feel like being vindictive because I won’t agree with you.  All I kept asking was for them to leave it alone, but they kept needling and prying.  I honestly felt like a nuclear bomb about to explode.

It makes me sad, because I want to trust people and let people in.  I hate having to be so guarded.  but every time I let people know certain things, it gets used against me when they feel like twisting the knife.  I honestly just want to crawl under the nearest rock and hide. I do not want to come out.  I am just done and at my wits end.  I am utterly beyond dumbfounded.

 

The words beyond dumbfounded do not even begin to scratch the surface defining the emotions I felt after the experience I had last week.

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Falling pieces

In life things fall apart,
so something better,
can fall together.
Everything happens for a reason.
Even if you can’t decipher
what it is when it happens.
Trust and believe,
Our Father doesn’t
carry his children,
to drop them off
in the middle of no where.
Even if the sky
is falling all around,
scorching ashes, acid.

Always remember,
In life things fall apart,
so something better,
can fall together.
Water seeks its own level.
and doesn’t settle
until it’s found an equilibrium
stop swimming against the current
it’s futile. it’s simpler
to flow with the river
It’s why I say
In life things fall apart,
so something better,
can fall together.

So what if it shatters?
Broken pieces everywhere?
can be mended back together
If only I could remember
where did I leave the case
of crazy glue tubes
last September?
that would help matters.
In life things fall apart,
so something better,
can fall together.

The twisted game of maybe

Poem… new addition to my collection…

Your sometimes, maybe,
possibly one day,
if I only, changed
everything about me,
to turn around
and push me away,
twisted game of maybe
drove me to the point
of insanity.

Just because your normal,
not a millionaire or baller,
you’re blue collar
never mattered to me.
I loved you for being normal.
Needed that. Strong, stable,
and consistent with my wild energy.

A man who will be kind
and encourage me
not break my spirit.
When I have that pillar.
I am a beast out there.
I am unstoppable.

Stop doubting my loyalty.
I had been yours.
All you had to do
was claim me.
It’s a blessing not a curse.
That you missed
because you refused
to believe the truth.

You deemed me guilty
until proven innocent.
Never once allowed me
to present evidence
to the contrary.
If your worst complaint
is that a beautiful girl, model,
is sweating you
by texting too much,

then you’re the envy
of other men.
Who wish they could be you.
You’re blessed.
which you missed
because you did not
do something, anything,
other than nothing.

Why hesitate so much?
It’s not like you haven’t
seen the worst in me?
You know me.
Despite my past resume,
I have a down to earth simplicity
that is classy and unique
with an intelligence
that super seeds my appearance.

Its what you love about me
and drew you in the first place.
I want to do good.
I just need a teacher
to show me how.
Despite the fact
I did not get caught
does not mean
I do not owe retribution
for all of my sins to absolved

I never insulted your intelligence.
Stop crucifying me for a sin
I did not commit.
I never lied to you.
it’s up to you what you want to do…
it’s okay if you decide to walk away.
I will be alright either way.

but do not barge in with maybes
if I only change everything about me
then possibly someday
bull shit routine again
to only push me away

Every time you do,
I train wreck hard
You were not raised by wolves
stop showing me the worst in you.
you know how to act right.
do not fain innocence.
Stupid is not a good look for you.

stop playing with me
and leave me in peace
do not encourage, gas,
or give me maybes,
only to reject me again
it’s cruel and unusual
punishment to animals.

I’ve never been so relieved
to say good bye to anyone
my entire life.
But that’s the outcome
of the twisted game
of maybe someday
you played, you lose.
Game over-the End.
You’re out of lives
my friend.

Dear Raza Sharp International

Mean people suck.

A message to you from me after the tirade of texts you sent me, calling me a loser, and how your new contact was laughing hysterically at me.  You are a bully.  You are cruel for no reason.  I never pretended to be anyone other than who I am.  I never sold you dream or pretended I could do more than I can.  Truth be told, we are all figuring it out as we go along.  We are all trying to make it in this world.  We all have different goals and objectives.  Yet we are all in search of the same thing.  Happiness.  The only difference between us all is our definition of the term.

Why the need to put me down?  When I believed in you and your brand?  You liked my ideas. You said at one point, “Where had I been? You had been waiting on me.”  Then to turn around with a tirade of insults?  The switch up is unnerving. I cannot wrap my head around the need to put me down. Are you that insecure that you feel the need to be unnecessarily mean?  So what you found a manager that better fits your needs.  Great.

But do not sit there and tell me how they laughed hysterically at me and tear me down.  If you had any class, you would pay me for what I have down, and dismiss yourself with grace.  Not burn a bridge behind you. Beware. He wants everything for free and values no one’s time or work.  Mr. Raza, expects your world to revolve around him and will give you nothing in return.  Lesson learned.  I chalk this experience up to the learning curve.

I did nothing to him to deserve the tirade of insults other than not be available and have a meeting else where that day.  My phone died on the way while I was on the subway and I could not text back. I had to let my phone charge during an extended meeting.  I am not so rude as to text while someone is gracious enough to give me their time.  I have class. But  because I waited till I was finished with my meeting to reach out.  I received a verbal tirade of insults and bullying.  He is not a nice person.  He has never cut my hair nor would I ever allow him to. So I cannot comment on his skills there.  However, he does lack the class for his price point.  Mean people him suck.  They make the world an uglier place.

 

 

Aquatic bottle garden idea and experiment

My goal is to make my aquatic garden completely self sustaining other than needing to change the water occasionally.

Let me preface this by stating,  I live in an one bedroom apartment.  So space is limited, but I am an organic guru. Therefore, I have been trying to solve the conundrum of growing my own veggies without a back yard.  Anyhow, while on my quest for ideas on you tube, I stumbled on this bottle garden which has thrived for 40 years without any water added to it.  It fascinated me enough that I decided it required further investigation.

That’s when the idea struck me of an aquatic bottle garden.  I have always wanted a lily or lotus.  I think they are beautiful.  I am a big fan of Monet as well.  I read up on what conditions a lotus needs to grow in.  I picked out the type of clay I will use, sand, and other pigments that double as nutrients to add for aesthetic reasons in addition to health.  I already have a 2 gallon glass jar that I will use for this experiment.

My goal is to make my aquatic garden completely self sustaining other than needing to change the water occasionally.  I considered adding a gold fish, but I did not want the fish to eat my flowers.  Koi have a tendency to destroy vegetation.  Then I considered adding bacteria to the equation.  After all apart of the fermentation process is that they break down sugar and produce carbon dioxide as a by product.   Which is what plants need to survive.   Sugar is also a by product of photosynthesis.  When the bacteria start to starve they will produce ammonia which is fertilizer for plants, and will cause them to grow more.  Therefore repeating this cycle.  The oxygen produced by the plants will be used by the bacteria to produce carbon dioxide and reproduction.  In theory, the addition of bacteria seems to solve my conundrum on self sufficiency.

The next question is what effect does ethanol have on plants? I discovered upon investigation that a 5% ethanol solution in water  will stunt the plant growth, making it in essence a bonsai plant.  Otherwise the lotus could easily outgrow its bottle.  Although 25% ethanol will kill the plant.  So using a bacteria or yeast that simply converts to alcohol is not a good idea. However, the lotus likes an acidic to neutral environment.  So acetic acid is not a bad thing.  At least this is my hypothesis.

Kombucha  produces acid such as lactic acid, acetic, and other carboxylic acids in addition to trace amounts of ethanol. I ferment kombucha at home. I have plenty of scoby’s (symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeasts) in my fridge.  I can easily add a little starter to the water and sugar to begin the process.  By this one addition I could in effect create my very own little bottle aquatic ecosystem bonsai style by doing this.  I am about to experiment and see how accurate or inaccurate my theory is.

I ordered my seeds and am impatiently awaiting their arrival.  As soon as they do, I will be scarring them with a metal nail file and placing them in a glass jar with hydrogen peroxide added to distilled water to begin germination.  I will be posting pictures along the way and updating you all on the results.  I am excited to see what the end result will be.

 

Compilation

This one is a compilation of several poems I wrote in 2006 – 2007. I reworked them and somehow merged them a few years ago. I simply forgot I had until I stumbled on it today looking through my documents. So, if it seems scattered. It is.

The skeletons in my closet,
are restless with anticipation of escape
Insecure and afraid
no one will accept me as I am
I sell the world a dream
till I believe it to be reality.
erase any trace of the line between
Till the day arrives and it breaks
like shards of glass on the floor
too small to glue back together
yet sharp enough to cut my feet
as I walk through the mess
the havoc the skeletons wrecked

This time I’m afraid
even crazy glue cant aid me
I may have broken
inside for the last time………

How despite all this my heart still resides
beats and is alive is beyond words I can find
All i know is when faced I’ll take on any obstacle
rise above it, the chaos and get what i came for.
Not because I’m better or stronger or smarter
but because I persevere through.
Ambition is my motivation. Power my addiction
The pursuit of knowledge fodder for the fire
that fuels the passion
which burns deep inside me
It’s use and application
my execution to checkmate

The biggest mistake one can make
is underestimate my ass
that’s sent with a seal and a kiss
because trust you me, my pretty face
blinds one to the fact
that underneath is one smart bitch
who doesn’t miss a beat
So you best come correct
when you step to the plate
not hope for a second chance
to get it right and mystify me
sorry but by then  the ace up your sleeve
has already been seen
Only I lie patiently in the grass
like a lioness eying her prey
I see your every move
but you can’t see mine
suddenly I attack
surprise, you’re on your back
or did you forget that cat’s have
razor sharp claws?

– 2007 mixture of several into one.  Not sure what got into me…

Mad Hatter – poem from my archives

I’m frequently misunderstood,
with more squares than a rubix cube.
I’m simple but complex,
not what you’d expect.
Stop trying to put me inside a box.
There is not a word inside,
the English language to define me.
I’m not constrained by convention,
The struggle is what made me.
I live my life the way i chose,
not by rules imposed on by you.
Be my guest and play it safe,
spend your life in one place.
When there is so much more
in this life to be seen.

I want to learn how far
does the rabbit hole go
After all I’m later than the rabbit,
more elusive than Cheshire,
with more hats than the mad hatter.
Just because I look like Alice,
doesn’t mean I want to be like her.
My power lies in the fact
people underestimate me.
I strive to be extraordinary not typical.
I refuse to apologize for
not being one of the sheep.
You’re the one enslaved
by popular belief.

Happily ever after is flawed
nothing is ever what it seems
trust and believe
there are many sides to me
I’ve got more depth than
the ocean or sea.
Do not doubt my heart’s
loyalty or devotion
just because i am broken
I’m still capable of emotion

my past has forged me
but it doesn’t define me
i am no slave to circumstance
i chose my master
submission is a gift
because i want to please you
don’t mistake this for weakness
underneath I’m still a lioness
there’s nothing meek about me
I’ll pounce when necessary
i don’t leave things to fate
i create my own destiny
life is what one makes of it.

-2008 (yes it’s that old)

WTF!?

I am afraid the English language does not contain a superlative appropriate to define how I feel right now.  What is it with people and their okie doke excuses?  In three days you cannot find time to text a person you are okay?  Unacceptable.  You were not raised by wolves.  I am not buying that brand of bull.  It’s called delete, next and forget.  Simple. I have learned that I cannot change anyone.  So, when a person decides they do not know how to act right.  I walk away.  Why am I going to stick around?

There is absolutely no excuse other than my phone got disconnected, lost, or broken to justify several days of silence. But busy working and sleeping.  Um, no.  Not when I saw you at work, and it was as quiet as the morgue.  Then when they do decide they have a minute send a text and act surprised when I ask, “Who is this?”

I have come to a point in my life where I have realized that I set the standard by accepting being treated badly by others.  I do not have to allow you to get away with it.  Nor am I going to stick around to have a Tasmanian devil moment.  I am not giving you the power to take me out of character.  WTF is wrong with people?!?  When did this type of stuff become socially acceptable?

But yet I am the crazy one?  No.  It’s called they’re inconsistent, wishy washy, stand for nothing, spineless, creatures who obviously aren’t evolved as a human being past the age of adolescence.  When I call you on it, you say next subject instead of apologizing?  Yes. I am  beyond furious right now.   UGH!!!!  I swear this weekend has been declared let’s mess with Seraphine’s head for fun.  I do not even want to get into the  rest of it.  But I am over it.  I am ready to take a bath, shut my phone off, and go crawl under the covers so I can feel nothing while I sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The Trump Dynasty

Mr. president elect Trump wielded enough power before the addition of the 45th President of the United States to his resume. Now with that credit about to be added, this man has officially created the first American Dynasty. Trump already has an empire. Adding POTUS to the Trump name supersedes families like the Rothchilds, Hearst, Vanderbilt, and Rockefellers. Yes, they are wealthy but their power is dwarfed instantly by the executive powers the President of the United States holds. Especially when that man is one of their own. Watching how this will unfold has become the reality TV show that I am addicted too. I have already popped the popcorn.

I have never found listening to public radio as entertaining as I have recently since Mr. Donald trump became President elect.  He is a rich playboy bad boy from New Jersey-New York City area.  Here in the greater New York City area, we are all too familiar with his antics.  We grew up with this guy here.  As soon as a friend asked me what I thought about Donald Trump running for President, I said, “Hillary does not stand a chance. Trump is going to win the election.”  My friends doubted me.  Many of them hated the guy. I do not personally like him all that much myself.  But if Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected to be the Governor of California when he was just a Hollywood actor,  then Trump was going to sail into the white house and upset a whole lot of bureaucrats in the process.  Sorry Hillary.

I am a woman, and I would love seeing a woman being elected to the highest office in the land.  However, I am a realist and manage my expectations accordingly.  It’s simply not going to happen.   Can you imagine a man carrying out the duties of First Lady? America will never elect a woman to be commander in chief of the armed forces.  It’s a 200 year old boys club.  That is not going to change.  I am not saying I do not believe a woman is capable of it.  But as a woman, I am well aware of the obstacles and discriminations we face.  I’d put my money on people in hell getting ice water before a woman getting electing President to the United States.  I hope to lose that gamble one day.

Hate him or Love him.  It does not change the fact everyone in America knows he is one powerful SOB.  He can pick up the phone and call whomever he needs to direct without having to go through the traditional channels every other President has had to in order to set anything in motion.  The most powerful and wealthy families in the nation, who really control everything are his peers.  His colleagues. He is no one’s puppet. They know Mr. President elect is one of their own and not apart of the Capital Hill bureaucratic machine.  The machine which stands in the way of their bottom line.  Dollars and cents with all their political maneuvers and created the swamp they get stuck in.

January 20, 2017 is going to be the beginning of a new era. The era of the Trump Dynasty.  Now, if only Mr. President elect would follow the guidance of experienced speech writers.  Say and think what you want Mr. President elect in private, but stop letting the bureaucrats who hate you and want to see you fail set you up to fall in their trap.  Only a small percent of us are intelligent enough to see what you are really about.  I understand your stance on immigration.  The fact they come here work and send he money back to their countries creates a dollar flight and devalues our currency. Therefore weakening the United States economy.  If we removed that one factor, it would increase the value of the dollar.  Which is the only thing you truly care about.  You’re not a racist.  Mr. President elect you are extremely intelligent.  Unfortunately the people of the United States do not have the ability to share your vision.

Mr. President elect Trump wielded enough power before the addition of the 45th President of the United States to his resume.  Now with that credit about to be added, this man has officially created the first American Dynasty. Trump already has an empire. Adding POTUS to the Trump name supersedes families like the Rothchilds, Hearst, Vanderbilt,  and Rockefellers.  Yes, they are wealthy but their power is dwarfed instantly by the executive powers the President of the United States holds.  Especially when that man is one of their own.  Watching how this will unfold has become the reality TV show that I am addicted too.  I have already popped the popcorn.

Because ladies and gentleman what’s about to happen over the next 4 years will go down in history as one of the most monumental periods in our country.  I have a feeling the entire bureaucratic machine is about to go down and flames.  I maybe projecting, because quite honestly, that would be fine by me.  I’d rather see something, anything but nothing accomplished.  In life sometimes gotta take a few steps back to catapult off the moon and hit outer space orbit.

I have absolute respect for our President elect for simply being the player he is.   Add his beautiful vogue model wife to the equation and officially Barbie, the ultimate American icon of what a woman should be, has become First Lady.  Talk about the American dream.  Well played, Mr. President elect.  Well played.

However, your lack of tact and brashness leaves your words wide open to be spun into something entirely different than what you said.  Beware of the seasoned politicians who are taking advantage and exploiting this fact.  For your sake, I hope you learn a little restraint.  While your arrogant  “I do not give a @#!?” attitude is awesome. There is a time and place for everything.  Disavowing the white supremacy groups was brave. I pray for your families safety.  Let them think what they want and eat cake.  Just leave planned parenthood alone, and for those of like myself with epilepsy and other disabilities, we are scared you will take away our health care.  I hope you will take the time to put in a place viable solutions for those of like me who have disabilities we cannot afford to take care of.

When 2 + 2 does not equal 4

via Daily Prompt: Unseen

We have all experienced it.  That moment in life when 2+2 simply does not equal 4 and one cannot quite figure out why they’re getting 5 instead?  Not to mention, where did the mysterious one get added into the equation again?  In life I call these situations these anomalies.  Now whether it’s a positive or negative anomaly is a entirely different matter.  I am a gambler.  I take chances and risks.  Although as I have matured I have learned better risk management and assessment skills.  I have also learned (the hard way) that sometimes, it is just best to leave it alone when 2+2 does not equal 4.   Because what one will find disturb them a bit.  It’s best to exit stage left and the leave the person or situation  right where you found it.  Sometimes living with what if is better than what is.  Curiosity can lead to catastrophe.

I had a relationship that train wrecked last year unexpectedly.  The blind sight definitely rocked me like nothing else had before.  The irony of this situation is in the beginning I kept telling this man to lose my number.  I even went so far as changing it at one point.  Then I stumbled across his facebook profile. Saw his pictures and was reminded of how attracted I was to him, and well logic went out the window.  Before I even realized it within a very short time period, maybe 3 months, I’m all in and knee deep into this guy.  I am already looking at wedding dresses and picking out floral arrangements.  I know right? This was not one of my brightest moments in life.

Then the clock strikes midnight, the carriage turns into a pumpkin, the horses back to mice, and the fairy tale ends abruptly with no redemption of happily ever after. He dumps me.  Out of nowhere after spending a great day together.  No argument, no warning sign, nothing.  Then like a 2×4 to the back of the neck during pillow talk time no less.  It’s the end.  I think I must of teleported home star trek style because one minute I was laying next to him, and the next I am in my apartment like WTF? I do not remember driving home that night.  The worst part is, I did nothing wrong.  The wind simply changed directions.  He asked (or accused) me of something out of the clear blue and because I said  No.  He said I lied and dumped me.

I have never been so stunned or confused by a man in my life.  I spent the next several months (I’m embarrassed to say how many.)  on a crusade to prove my innocence.  It did not matter what proof I had to refute his accusation.  He would not accept it.  He was unreasonably obstinate and would not listen to any reason.  I still cannot make sense out of it.  I was back to square one again with him, when 2+2 did not equal 4. Why did I break my own rule and make an exception? He was never the one.  There was nothing extraordinary or special about him.  He was simply hot, and well I saw what I wanted because of it.

I wish I would of stayed away after I made my first exit.  Left that man alone for good then and saved myself the world of heart ache that inevitably came because my curiosity got the best of me.  Reminding me that when 2 +2 does not equal 4, run do not just walk away as fast as you can.  Living with the “what if” is absolutely worth living with considering the alternative.  Lesson learned.